Friday, 28 January 2011

Who said there are no miracles?

The following report was found in an obscure (yet sworn to be reliable by the FARK/Taliban/CIA/MI6/IRA) online newspaper somewhere on the net yesterday unknown to Bolehsia's PDRM. Sources have been very secretive of the website URL. Apparently they didn't want The much dreaded unHoly Quartet Autarities' (Mr. Guni al-Patail, Mr. Krismudin, Mr. Taximan & Mr. Rice Al-Yatim) to bring it under a redefined PPPA:

Batican City, January 29- The Holy Bee has called an emergency conference for the Cardinals to discuss the amazing and miraculous events taking place in Bolehsia. The beatificaation of a few Saints have been put on hold pending review of these amazing events which many faithful have claimed to be miracles. According to sources strong lobby group from Mongolia has vouched for the miracles. Out of humility & due to a conflict of interest, the Archbishop of Bolehsia has stayed out of the events that transpire.

The first event to be discussed at this emergency session would be the spontaneous combustion of a Mongolian lady by the name of Sister Altantuya Shaaribu who piously worshipped the US Dollar and was blown to bits. All it took was a Quran swearing - and it has convinced all and sundry, that the Prime Minister (or his fat lady) was not involved in the explosive event. Claims by some quarters that C4 explosives were used have been proven false by the unHoly Quartet of Bolehsia.
In another Quranic swearing event, a "nice looking boy" called Psyfool, swore (they call it "sumpah laknat") swore that he was buggered forcefully, after he willingly showered and "cleaned" himself for the frail assailant to sodomize him. Miraculously, despite having only one assailant, investigators found no signs of forceful buggery in or around Psyfool's holy anus- but found traces three different DNAs in the holy anus. As a result, Fox Moulder is apparently trying to wangle his way into Psyfool's anus to investigate this phenomenon. Geneticists are also reportedly excited about this "Bolehsia Boleh" ejaculate, and have urged the Autarities to speed up investigations.
According to "inside information", after deep meditation & contemplation, the Pope himself declared that it was a miracle of titanic proportions, worthy of a sainthood ....

In a move that surprised even the Pope, the Bolehsian Autarities declared that another miracle of titanic proportions had taken place. A young man by the name of Kugan was apparent found dead at a police station. It was first thought that he died because he drank (water) and aspirated to death, since water was found in the lung. Later it was confirmed that he had developed multiple lacerations/abrasions/bruises as though he was whacked & bitch-slapped to death.

A recent development (click here for Cop cleared of hurting Kugan) the accused assailant, presumably set up- was released. Therefore, it would be safe to declare that there were no assailants in the incident.
The Holy Dee has launched a high-powered team to investigate if in repentence, Kugan had suffered as Jesus Christ did prior to his death- or if was just a Toyol which beat him to death. The Toyol investigation has been sub-contracted to Fox Moulder & Dana Scully of FBI's "X-files" team.

Prior to that, an erudite lawyer had claimed that remorseful Bolehsians can even strangle themselves in remorse- failing which they can fling themselves off the fourteenth floor & plunge to their death!!

Numerous other miracles have been taking place in Bolehsia- like the incorruptable face of its FLOB (fat lady of Bolehsia) akin to St. Bernadette's, the virginity of some people akin to the holy mother, the numerous miraculous parangs found in cars of child gangsters (who drive like Karamjit Singh), people dying due to drinking holy PDRM water, bullets from cowering policemen entering heads of rampaging bandits from above & exits lower etc etc etc.

When pressed for comments, His Boldiness Pope Bunedict XXVI joyously declared that it was a manifestation of the various prophecies- that the end of times are here, and God had probably selected Bolehsia to be initiators of the events due to the holiness shown by the dUMNO Government there. He even said that he would not rule out the possibility of the "rapture" taking place in Bolehsia very soon, considering the "rapture-readiness" of dUMNO leaders with the RM888 billion disappearing from the Bolehsian coffers.

His Boldiness advised all Bolehsians to pray to God for a piece of the pie .....

In another online daily ......

The international news network cited a secret investigation which was sparked by Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak, who had complained that the Saudis appeared to be funding Anwar in upcoming elections.

CNN claimed that Malaysian authorities suspected two senior Saudi princes of involvement in funding Anwar, and this led to a secret investigation by Riyadh.

A secret report seen by CNN concludes: "There is no evidence any Saudi official ever supported Anwar Ibrahim" and "claims of support from the Saudi royals named in the initial report [names redacted] were found to be without basis."

In other words- the person who alleged these things, is a big fat liar!!

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